It’s interesting how time works. Sometimes you look at the past and think “where did it all go”. Then you look at time and say “what is taking so long”. The brain takes time and conceives it differently depending on the activity. Time flies when you are having fun because you are not aware of time. You only become aware of time when you are doing something you do not enjoy. Then all of the sudden time becomes your enemy. You want it to hurry up. I realized tonight it’s been a little over 2 months since “The Best Ex Evar” said she was leaving. 2 months is in one aspect is wow I have been out on my own for 2 months now. I really can’t believe that part of it. Then there is this part of me that says “it’s only been 2 months and it feels like a lot longer.” Time can be a funny thing. Time is your best friend and your worst enemy.
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This is a very very raw look at my soul, I’m doing this to get thoughts out of my head.
The last 2 months have been a roller coaster of emotion. My wife of 10 years decided she wanted a divorce. This has left me with many thoughts, regret, and emotions. Pictures are a funny thing. I have a lot of pictures over 10 years of marriage and 13 years as a couple. You sit there and see these pictures and they remind you of all kinds of emotions. I have been trying to organize my pictures with my new found free time. I thought it would be easy. It turns out that pictures turn out to be reminders of my mistakes. I think that is the reason I don’t like to take pictures. When a part of my life ends I prefer to forget about it. Most people I know will say I’m wrong here. So pictures become a constant reminder of the pain that I have caused or the pain that I have gone through myself. Pictures bring up questions, pictures make me remember things that I had forgotten about, and pictures tell me I was there but my brain doesn’t remember being there.
That part scares me honestly. How much I forget over time and even with a picture don’t remember being there or doing whatever it is in that picture. The Best Ex Evar told me to start putting my thoughts down in a blog or on paper. Since my handwriting is worse than a toddlers I pick a blog form. I’m not perfect by any means. I have flaws that I try to deal with. Some are harder than others. Pictures make we want to rewind my life so I can fix the flaws and prevent them from happening. People will tell me your mistakes make you who you are today. That’s true, however my mistakes leave marks on people. Marks that people don’t want. No, I haven’t abused anyone. I am talking from a physiological aspect. For once in my life I want to be able to move on and not worry about my past mistakes catching up to me again. I don’t want to be reminded of what I have done. I want to look forward to a future and build a new me.
I’ve been closed off for a long time. From grade school, what is now considered bullying has stuck with me. I adopted the attitude that the more people you know the more that can stab you in the back. I quit trusting people at a very young age. Today it’s a very difficult thing for me to trust you. To many people act one way in person and another once you walk away. Now that I’m older and realize I don’t have a lot of friends and I realize I don’t want to be alone.Tthe choices of my past are once again catching up with me. This frustration manufactures itself in many many ways. A lot of the time the people that are still close to me end up dealing with my frustration. To them I apologize.
I talk about moving, starting over, going somewhere that nobody knows who I am. There is no past and there is only a future. A future that is what I want it to me and make it what I want it. I often feel that on the outside I appear to be a fairly successful person. On the inside I feel like a failure a lot. More than people will ever realize. The reasons vary depending on the situation.
I chose to enter the work force and not go to college. Today that hurts me professionally. People will say “go back to school” “it’s never to late”. You may be right, however I really didn’t have a good experience in school and none of my school experience makes me want to do it again. To the general public the fact that I didn’t get a Bachelors Degree gives them the impression that I am uneducated. Just because the initials are not next to my education or my name doesn’t mean that I don’t know what I’m doing or what I’m talking about.
Recently I feel that I failed my daughter by not being able to keep her mommy and daddy together. While I try my hardest to make her comfortable and make her life as seamless as possible it’s hard to hear her want Mommy while she is visiting me and I know it’s hard on my ex wife when she misses her Daddy. She is only 4. How do you keep her happy and balanced when you can’t be there for her?
I live with these thoughts. I want to go back to those pictures and fix everything that came after them. I am constantly wanting to fix things. Now, Today, in this moment I want to shed my past. I don’t necessarily want to shed the people but I want to shed the negative, the bad, the worth forgetting. I want a clean slate. I want a chance to start over and not worry about someone reminding me of what I have done wrong.
So the college football season has started and it seems that the craziness that conference realignment is causing is overshadowing the beginning of the college football season. It really started last year with the announcement of Nebraska moving to the Big10 (really 11 now 12) and Colorado along with Utah going to the Pac1o (Now the Pac12). The talk started about super conferences forming and the money that goes with it. The first 2 super conferences people assume will be the Pac12 and the SEC. The SEC already has 12 teams and the Pac12 now has 12 with their recent additions. Speculation has been going on all summer and continues about who will go where. The Big12’s demise is all but guaranteed at this point.
The latest team to cause a stir is Texas A&M. I will admit to being a closet Aggie fan. I had a cousin that went to A&M and I followed the Aggies through the 90’s and the wrecking crew defense. I watched Bucky Richardson and Dat Nguyen. The Aggies moving to the SEC does a couple of things for the the school and the SEC. From the Aggies point of view they potentially draw teams like LSU and Auburn to College Station every other year. They can sell the quality of competition to their recruits and tell them they will have a bigger potential to be on TV. The SEC television deal is incredible. Not only is the deal with CBS in place but ESPN operates the SEC network and shows SEC games on ESPN and ESPN 2. The SEC gets one GIGANTIC benefit. They get a MAJOR foothold into the Texas television market. Don’t get me wrong, the SEC already has a strong fan base here. The Aggie alumni will watch the Aggies play Iowa State before they watch LSU play Auburn. They are that dedicated. The city of Houston (Number 10 television market in the country) alone might was well be a UT / A&M melting pot.
Now 8 schools I believe are threatening to sue Texas A&M due to an agreement made to the Big12. Keep in mind that Texas A&M went to the board of the Big12 conference and made their intentions known. At that time they received no contention. Now that the SEC has declared they will accept Texas A&M (Unanimously I might add) they are facing a law suit. Baylor, Kansas, Kansas State, Missouri, Iowa State, Texas, Texas Tech and Oklahoma State all will not waive their legal recourse. Baylor has been quoted as saying they will sue Texas A&M. Each one of these teams with the exception of Missouri doesn’t want the BIG12 to fold because it’s a gravy train for them or they fear loosing out on a rivalry. Without Oklahoma Oklahoma State looses money because of Bedlam. Kansas and Kansas State need each other because as far as football goes no one but the people of Kansas cares about them. Baylor is riding everyone else’s coat tales. Former Governor Anne Richards pulled political strings to get Baylor into the Big12 after the Southwest Conference disolved. Iowa State belongs with Baylor in a B class league like C-USA or the WAC. Texas Tech, well name a reason a young high school kid wants to live in Lubbock Texas?
The SEC has some coat tail riders as well. Vanderbuilt, Ole Miss, and Mississippi State are all bottom feeders in the SEC. The only argument I’ll entertain is Ole Miss. Vanderbuilt is there because the bring the GPA of the SEC up to a respectful level, Mississippi is in the SEC for NAACP reasons, and Ole Miss well I really don’t know what Ole Miss brings to the party. Maybe the Egg Bowl is important to Mississippi. The SEC is clearly the best football conference in the country. They have won the last 5 BCS championships and routinely beat and by beat I mean beat soundly competition from other conferences. Does anyone remember the 41-14 beating that Florida gave Ohio State? The SEC can handle the coat tail riders it has. The Big12 is Texas, Oklahoma, and then everyone else. NO OTHER TEAM means anything within the Big12. Missouri should get an invite to the Big10 without much trouble. All teams have agreed to drop their pending lawsuit if Oklahoma agrees to stay in the conference. Why? If Oklahoma stays (rumor is they are going to the Pac12) then Texas stays. If Texas stays the Big12 lives and they continue to ride the gravy train to ca-Ching ville.
For the Big12 to survive they need help. “The Longhorn Network” will have to be redone and made the Big12 network and the 300,000,000.00 dollars paid to Texas by ESPN would have to be split amongst the schools. They also need another major school to join. At this point the only potential is Arkansas leaving the SEC for the Big12. If I’m Arkansas there is no way I do that. I honestly don’t know another team that would join the Big12. UH, or any C-USA team that has been rumored doesn’t keep Texas and Oklahoma from going anywhere.
Honestly I see this happening. Oklahoma and Texas eventually go to the Pac12 along with Missouri and Oklahoma State and that makes the Pac16 a reality. The SEC goes to 16 teams by adding Texas A&M, Virginia Tech, Texas Tech, and a wildcard team that I haven’t thought of yet. The SEC teams are a lot harder to guess because the SEC doesn’t need anyone. They are just fine as they are and at this point its your schools privilege to be a SEC member. Texas A&M fits because they aren’t as conceded as Texas, they benefit in recruiting, and the SEC benefits in the Texas TV market.
It’s all about money and always will be in the end. The teams that are suing (led by Baylor) need to get over themselves and realize that it’s not the big schools responsibility to take care you. Missouri is the only school (except maybe Texas Tech) that doesn’t belong in a B class conference. Baylor you may make an argument for D1 AA. Feel free to disagree and comment. Sorry this was so long but this was a big thought that I have been pondering.
After commenting here and there on Facebook and putting my general babble on Facebook and Twitter, I realized that there are times that I want to comment on something that violates the 400 word limit that Facebook has and really violates Twitter’s 140 character limit. I suddenly remembered that I have a blog that I haven’t used in a really long time. Hey, what a bright idea use my blog medium to expand on my thoughts. I have a built in audience with my Facebook friends. I can put links to my post on my Facebook wall and anyone that wants to read and comment can.
I sit and think about a lot of things. Sometimes my thoughts range from the ultra liberal to the ultra conservative. It depends on the issue. I believe things that I know people in my closest circle of friends and family will strongly disagree with. This is the place where those issues along with others will be written about. I will keep the general babble on Facebook. It takes me time to put together some thoughts. I will lay awake at night and just theorize about things. When my wife and daughter are sleeping it can be some of my most productive time. It is my time to sit and think.
Life, Technology, and beliefs are what Outside the Box Thinking is about. I don’t want to follow the normal. Normal is broken, in debt, and lets the world around them control (Not Influence) who they are. The world influences us everyday. The key is to be you and not just follow what you hear or see. This blog is also about standing up for your own beliefs and why. We can disagree, heck that is half the fun in life. Surround your self with people that you trust and believe that will be your friend not matter what your thought is on different subjects.
So welcome, my head doesn’t stop thinking so as time permits this blog will be updated with all kinds of things.