This is a very very raw look at my soul, I’m doing this to get thoughts out of my head.
The last 2 months have been a roller coaster of emotion. My wife of 10 years decided she wanted a divorce. This has left me with many thoughts, regret, and emotions. Pictures are a funny thing. I have a lot of pictures over 10 years of marriage and 13 years as a couple. You sit there and see these pictures and they remind you of all kinds of emotions. I have been trying to organize my pictures with my new found free time. I thought it would be easy. It turns out that pictures turn out to be reminders of my mistakes. I think that is the reason I don’t like to take pictures. When a part of my life ends I prefer to forget about it. Most people I know will say I’m wrong here. So pictures become a constant reminder of the pain that I have caused or the pain that I have gone through myself. Pictures bring up questions, pictures make me remember things that I had forgotten about, and pictures tell me I was there but my brain doesn’t remember being there.
That part scares me honestly. How much I forget over time and even with a picture don’t remember being there or doing whatever it is in that picture. The Best Ex Evar told me to start putting my thoughts down in a blog or on paper. Since my handwriting is worse than a toddlers I pick a blog form. I’m not perfect by any means. I have flaws that I try to deal with. Some are harder than others. Pictures make we want to rewind my life so I can fix the flaws and prevent them from happening. People will tell me your mistakes make you who you are today. That’s true, however my mistakes leave marks on people. Marks that people don’t want. No, I haven’t abused anyone. I am talking from a physiological aspect. For once in my life I want to be able to move on and not worry about my past mistakes catching up to me again. I don’t want to be reminded of what I have done. I want to look forward to a future and build a new me.
I’ve been closed off for a long time. From grade school, what is now considered bullying has stuck with me. I adopted the attitude that the more people you know the more that can stab you in the back. I quit trusting people at a very young age. Today it’s a very difficult thing for me to trust you. To many people act one way in person and another once you walk away. Now that I’m older and realize I don’t have a lot of friends and I realize I don’t want to be alone.Tthe choices of my past are once again catching up with me. This frustration manufactures itself in many many ways. A lot of the time the people that are still close to me end up dealing with my frustration. To them I apologize.
I talk about moving, starting over, going somewhere that nobody knows who I am. There is no past and there is only a future. A future that is what I want it to me and make it what I want it. I often feel that on the outside I appear to be a fairly successful person. On the inside I feel like a failure a lot. More than people will ever realize. The reasons vary depending on the situation.
I chose to enter the work force and not go to college. Today that hurts me professionally. People will say “go back to school” “it’s never to late”. You may be right, however I really didn’t have a good experience in school and none of my school experience makes me want to do it again. To the general public the fact that I didn’t get a Bachelors Degree gives them the impression that I am uneducated. Just because the initials are not next to my education or my name doesn’t mean that I don’t know what I’m doing or what I’m talking about.
Recently I feel that I failed my daughter by not being able to keep her mommy and daddy together. While I try my hardest to make her comfortable and make her life as seamless as possible it’s hard to hear her want Mommy while she is visiting me and I know it’s hard on my ex wife when she misses her Daddy. She is only 4. How do you keep her happy and balanced when you can’t be there for her?
I live with these thoughts. I want to go back to those pictures and fix everything that came after them. I am constantly wanting to fix things. Now, Today, in this moment I want to shed my past. I don’t necessarily want to shed the people but I want to shed the negative, the bad, the worth forgetting. I want a clean slate. I want a chance to start over and not worry about someone reminding me of what I have done wrong.